On sleep

I hate hate the feeling of not having enough sleep. Of being irritable, of having sand in your eyes, a foggy muddled brain, of feeling apathetic, negative, pessimistic, of having to rely on caffeine to keep going. I didn’t get to bed last night until nearly 2 AM, and try as I might to sleep in, I always wake up when sunlight enters my room, even when I wear a sleeping-mask, so I was awake by 7:30 AM. Now, I remember when I lived off at most five hours of sleep a night and still managed to function. This feeling of sleep-deprived irritability and negativity is how I lived from age 12. Yes, starting in 7th grade, if not 6th, I was staying up until 2, 3 in the morning, and waking up at 5, doing homework. The perfectionist at work. For a decade I lived like that. The last year of that was the worst, when Megan and I would take shifts, sleeping in two-hour snatches, and maybe getting 8 hours of sleep over the course of a few days. There is certainly a direct correlation between my near mental-breakdown my last semester at OBU and the amount, or lack thereof, of sleep I was getting.

Then I had a gap year. Although I worked three jobs and got up at 6:20 AM every morning, I consistently got at least seven hours of sleep. I know what it feels like to be a real, waking person. I’ve seen and felt sleep’s beneficial effect on my health and mental and emotional well-being.

So while last night was fun, in a way, learning to play pool and meeting new people, and watching Firefly late at night, I hate that it had to happen so late. I’m well aware that going to bed at 11 PM makes me an incredibly boring person, but at least I can think clearly the next day. Maybe when the sun rises at 9 AM instead of 7:30 I’ll be able to keep up with that kind of social life, but as of now I cannot. I’m a day person. I enjoy mornings. I’ve spent most of today in frustration at trying to stay focused so as to get to my two classes in time, to pay attention, to do the reading for said classes and understand it. My primary purpose here is to get my degree and if I can’t stay mentally aware to do this, then I have no reason to be here.

I’ll stop ranting now. That is all.

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One thought on “On sleep

  1. Sarah says:

    I completely understand. I was up late the night before I taught a 8 am and I felt so unprepared for class (even though I was prepared!) and I wanted to take a nap in the afternoon but couldn’t because there is always work to be done.

    It’s hard to get back into the swing of things…but you will!! I ❤ you.

    Like

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