You have gone so far away
For all I know it’s outer space.
La la la la, pining for yesterday…
-“Diana” by Waterdeep
Well, I’m back. In San Antonio, that is. Yesterday morning I finished clearing out my things from the Little Red House and loaded up my car. Kelly followed me around with mournful glances. My bedroom was barren and my heart felt empty, too. I had breakfast at Cracker Barrel with Kelly and Joel, said our good-byes in the parking lot. I admit that I cried as I drove from Shawnee: never before have I so firmly shut the door on a life I had unwittingly come to love.
But the eight-hour drive down south so meddled with my sense of reality that by the time I reached Waco I wondered if the morning had existed. By Austin it was becoming more of an abstraction. By New Braunfels I was too distracted by the news that my sister was in town on a surprise visit to really think about it. Only this morning, waking up to the boxes in my room still decorated with horses and Star Trek from high school, making tea with a pot on the stove instead of a kettle, looking instinctively to the corner on the couch where Pokey should be but wasn’t, stepping into the backyard to investigate the garden and say hello to Jewely, and wondering if we really needed three bottles of glue on the kitchen table, did the events of yesterday morning come back to me, vivid yet still abstract, memories of a past life that I now have to figure out how to incorporate into this new one.
Today I have to find a lender for my student loans so that I can start on my visa application. And I’m going to start reclaiming my room from my past self and from the storage room it had become over the past few years. As of now, I cannot access my library, and that is a problem. Carving a place of my own out of this house is the first step to living here, again…